These things should be said to every parent who announces their magical unicorn growing in their tummy with a little sparkle in their eyes. Their future full of baby smells and warm snuggles. Blissful parenting years spent laughing and "enjoying each moment." Take heed childless friends, those with children who wonder if they're the only ones, and those who have been the holders of the secret. There are some things I would like to let out of the bag....
-You'll swear more in your head than you could've ever imagined. Every ounce of your soul and every cell in your body will be silently screaming with a rage hotter than you've ever felt before. You'll swear so much that you wish they would just come out with some new words, already. The dialect inside your head would probably get you admitted and researched for future medical dictionaries. There aren't enough straight jackets in the world to hold down your inner psychopath.
-There really IS a fine line between love and hate.
-You'll lie like a fucking rug. Remember being 16 and lying to your parents, just wishing for the day you were an adult and could "do as you pleased?" You think you want to grow up and have all the freedom in the world, but no one warns you that it actually gets worse. If you want to go upstairs, you sneak away from the kids quietly, like a ninja you slink slowly backwards into the shadows in hopes of an escape. Praying that a child doesn't look up at you and come crawling and crying with red eyes and snapping teeth. You duck behind walls and closets as you try to put clothes away, so they don't break their gaze on the tv and meet eye contact. If you want to eat something special you hide out in the kitchen and shove it down your throat as fast as you can when you hear footsteps and when the kid asks you what you're eating you quickly say "carrots" and walk away as they continue to follow you ask over and over. You try not to open your mouth too wide so they can smell the chocolate on your breath as you did when you arrived home shit faced drunk and telling your parents "i'm just tired, going to bed now" through clenched teeth. You sneakily throw out toys of theirs while they're staring at Octonauts. You tip toe around the room as they sleep, quietly shut the bathroom doors in hopes of a minute to shit on your own, hide noisy toys that you can't stand listening to anymore. Tell them you have no idea where their favorite drum set went. Say its 9:00 when its only 8:00. You'll lie to doctors, to friends, to teachers, to the fucking mail man. Having kids turns you into a liar and a sneak just to survive. Good thing for all that practice as teenagers.
- You might want to kill them sometimes, but you'll want to torture and THEN kill anyone who messes with them.
-You can have all of the toys in America in your living room and they still won't play with them so save yourself some money and just have some boxes, rolls of TP, and a basket of clean clothes at the ready. The kids will be happy then.
-Poop will be the bain of your existence.
-You will have no shame in telling off the sales person who has just rang the bell. Twice. Cutting short your kid's 2.5 minute nap of the day. You will be like a raving lunatic and not even look back and feel bad. Pride is gone.
-You will use your clothing as tissues more than tissues.
- phrases like "don't run with scissors!" , "Poop on my finger, poop on my finger!!!!!" ,"do not stick your finger in your butt" ,and "stop sitting on your brother's head" are normal and part of daily discussions.
-Where you used to pride yourself on a vast array of knowledge, you will now pride yourself for knowing all the characters of Octonauts, Bubble Guppies, or Paw Patrol. It takes you a week but you finally think you have memorized all of the My Little Pony names and this makes you so happy you won't care who president is.
-You will dance and sing with more conviction and fist pumping to the Mickey Mouse Hot Dog song than you ever did to Pussy Control.
-You will be awake so early every morning that you need 2 breakfasts.
-Your kid isn't the only weird one. They're all bona fide idiots. If you can't beat em, join em.
-Some days you WILL hate being a parent. I promise. Its not that we aren't grateful, but its normal to hate it some days.
-Its ok to cry.
- But you will never be more important to ANYONE or ANYTHING in this entire world as you are to these kids. You literally have lives IN YOUR HANDS. Every day, all day, you must keep them alive. Remember how you thought at 16 you were God? Well, you're finally the closest to being a god that you will ever be.
The things no one warns you about. Its all important. All these little moments of hell, the chaos, the mess and the moments you hate. They're all as important as the ones you are told to love and cherish. Parenting isn't always about the snuggles and the two little arms wrapped around your neck. All the shitty times you will have and the moments you want to run away? It will be amazing. It will be hard. It will be dirty and ugly and never perfect. It will break you down and build you back up every day. But it will be worth it.
And no one will tell you about these things because its all beautiful. Or they're just fucking liars.
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