Some may say I'm a dreamer…

July 30, 2014

Life has been hectic and crazy and extremely stressful. Moving. 3 kids. 'Nuff said. I feel like shooting myself in the eye.

We have so much stuff. So. Much. Stuff. I love shopping. I love stuff. I love buying. I love holidays and thinking of holidays and gift giving and planning and buying and cute little outfits for my little people and my whole fucking family is the same. So this means that every holiday about a u-Haul's worth of gifts come back here and we don't get rid of much because, well, we are like hoarders. I like to blame Sean and Ella and the cat for being the hoarders but I do hoard things as well. So packing goes something like this:

I think I will pack some boxes today. Ok, lets make a box be the "garage sale" box and one box be the "keep" box. I always start our strong, putting items into the sale box and some into the keep and then Kian comes and takes out of the sale box and then I let it go in the keep box and then I have second guesses about a for sale item and move back to the keep box and then Kian decides that can't even be packed away at all yet because he still needs to play with it and then I am stressed and forget which box is which so then I dump them both out and think I should start over and Kian is taping toys to the wall.  Its a huge mess now and so I decide to move onto something else that should be easier and go to my closet and begin 2 boxes and the whole cycle starts again and I get nothing packed. So thats been my week. And then things are messier, more boxes and items are laying around. And I want to shoot my eyeballs out more.

Then I begin to glaze over and dream of the life on the road. You know, sell it all, buy an RV and travel the US for a year. We would "unschool" the children and their classroom would be the whole country. And maybe Canada too. Every day life. No limits. Maybe Sean and I would start  blog for some cash. We would meet people in little towns and learn different trades. Our kids wouldn't be at risk of being shot at school every day or bullied by ass hole kids and their ass hole parents. Or pin holed into public education and the limits put on our education system. Sean and I wouldn't have the stress of mortgage and work and kids'  activities and run run run run run anymore. We would learn to use oil for gas and eat fresh vegetables from our traveling vegetable garden. We would go to farms and mountains and beaches and forests. We would have to talk to each other and tell stories and use our imaginations. We would get dirty and bathe in lakes or streams. Just a year. Doesn't it sound amazing?

...Just another crazy Mombie dream. In the mean time, I better go pretend to pack another box of shit!

Dear Ella

Today's blog has no curse words, no witty comments or laments about life. I am feeling wistful and nostalgic today, so would like to write a letter to my "Ella Bella Stinkaroo". :)

July 21, 2014

Dear Ella,

"Do you wanna build a snooooowwww mannnnn???"

Kidding!

I cry a little bit every time you walk away to do something. You know I am crazy, but I love you so much that each time you go somewhere without me, it just reminds me that you are growing up and away so fast. I drop you off for girl scout camp and drive away as my eyes are wet because you didn't look back and wave at me as you ran off with your friends. I'm not upset, i'm just wistful.

Same as I was the day I brought you to preschool for the first time. I was so nervous. You had never been to daycare or around other kids. I was sure you would grasp my leg and cry for me to stay and i'd have to take you back home. Or leave as I cried uncontrollably because I felt so sad. But no, you said "bye mommy!" and went to play with the kids. I was so proud. Then I walked away crying uncontrollably because you didn't need me anymore.

This is life with children. We hope you transition into life's stages without us and grow to be strong and independent, yet feel aching that almost cripples us when you do just that. We can't wait for you to walk and talk and run and start your firsts…Then you do it all and more and we can't stand that you are growing up so fast! Soon you leave us and we know we have to let you go. All good parents do. But we are left to wonder why it has to happen so fast!

I cry every single time you make a goal at soccer. Good thing for my big sunglasses! Its this feeling of pride. You kick it in and look at me RIGHT AWAY. You want to see me smile and be happy for you. You are still a little girl saying "mommy! look at me!!" as you kick the ball. I know how happy you are and the pride I feel could just make my head explode right off. And so I cry a little. I know its nuts and most moms of a 10 year old probably do not.

But its fine, emotions are ok with me. I hope for you to always express yours to me.
Tears of pride for your kids have got the be THE happiest tears possible. Don't worry, there will be plenty more!

You will be in 5th grade this year. And I will STILL cry as you walk away. I know the struggles have probably begun, you may feel anxious or excited. Cliques are starting, kids can be cruel, life isn't so innocent for you anymore. I am here. ALWAYS. I cry knowing I am sending you out into this world unprepared, but I am here right next to you. Just a little further away every year. I need to let you out and discover things for yourself. Even if its horrible valley girl phrases and hormonal outbursts or crazy clothing styles. I will still hold on to these memories because they will pass quickly as well.

Thank you for letting me still hug you and smell your hair a little bit at night. Thank you for loving me even though you see flaws and you know when I need your help. I need you just as much as you need me.
Time changes, you will change, but my love will not change. Life will be complicated and you won't understand anything at times. I just want to be here when you need me to.

And once in a while, I am sorry, but the urge to embarrass you will be stronger than my ability to hold back. This is one of the joys of motherhood. I will try to find a good therapist for you. And sometimes when I'm crying, it is because I was laughing so hard I was brought to tears. One day you will understand this too, because I am equipping you with a kick ass sense of humor!

Love always,
Mom

26 Reasons I know I've Gone Bat Shit Crazy

Like, totally nuts. I've lost the plot. Dove off the deep end. Going off the Rails on a Crazy Train. Some signs that indicate a high level of "wack jobness" ;

1. I had a 3rd child. Seriously. Don't do it. (I love them, I do!)
2. I will have a 5 year old boy, a 3 year old boy, and a 13 year old girl in 3 years. Kill. Me.
3. I sometimes pretend i'm going to the bathroom and sit on the floor and.....well, just sit.
4. I leave the house without shoes on too often.
5. I can't remember my garage code over 60% of the time.
6. I still stumble when reciting my 2nd child's birth date. He's almost 3 and I don't have his birthday down.
7. I have cried in the morning when i've discovered i'm out of caffiene. Huge temper tantrums.
8. I no longer know how to spell anything unless its a Disney character.
9. I decided to begin blogging.
10. Even when i'm so fucking tired I could die all over the place, I still don't go to bed any time before 11 pm.
11. I say all sorts of shit that my mom used to say and I don't even wanna smack myself.
12. I can say things like "no, thats the butt thermometer, don't ever touch my face with that" and it doesn't even seem weird to me.
13. I argue with a 2 year old and even pat myself on the back when i've won.
14. I actually get pissed when I have not won.
15. I spy. Really, I do! I'm the neighborhood spy.
16. I drive a mini van. BUT, it has a Zombie family on the back of it. So that's fine, right?
17. I live in yoga pants and flip flops. Or Toms. Yea, I own Toms.
18. I only cut my hair like once every 7,000 years.
19. I let the grays take over.
20. I can't remember the last time i've been out of the house alone past 7 pm. I didn't even used to be awake and ready for the party until at least 10pm!
21. I quit my job to stay at home full time.
22. Even if Dr.G, medical examiner offered me a dream job, i'd probably say no just to stay home with these wacky little monsters.
23. I get giddy about cute cloth diapers coming in the mail.
24. I am moving in like a month but haven't begun doing anything yet.
25. I spend every day in the car with a screaming baby and typically a whining, yelling toddler so a lot of times I don't even remember how I got to my destination.
26. I am not on any medication, alcohol, and I don't smoke. Because I nurse my damn children until they're like, in college. Thank god for caffiene and food.
and the craziest one of all.....
27. I would actually do all of this over again even after I know what I know now....

Fixin' a flat head

July 16, 2014

My baby has a helmet! Nothing is "wrong" with him, he didn't hit his head too much, I am not over protective (well, I kind of am, but even I wouldn't go that far), and no….dad didn't drop him too many times, even though thats what I like to tell people. Around 2 or so months my mom noticed he had a flat spot on the back of his head. Good call, grandma!! Luckily it was noticed so early because his treatment has started earlier than for most other babies and has worked amazingly.  By 4 months our happy little chunk had his helmet on. This process takes a few weeks to a month from the first appointment, to measuring and fittings, then they take about 2 weeks to mold the helmet. So early intervention is a plus! The finished product is called a cranio helmet and most places have their own versions. The condition is called Plagiocephaly and is pretty common nowadays with all the back sleeping for SIDS reduction. It seems like an ok trade off, i'd rather some flat heads than more SIDS, I suppose. It often times will accompany another issue called torticollis. Or torticollis accompanies Plagiocephaly. Who knows, we are unsure which one starts first and causes the other. He has both. He likes to turn his head a certain way, and to tilt it the other way. That could cause the flat spot. Or because he had the flat spot, he liked to turn his head that way. Who knows what comes first. It can happen in the womb from being in a certain position, can be because he had a softer head and laid on his back more, it could be because i'm a shit mom and never held him as a baby (kidding, it is NOT our fault!!! Just what strangers think.)

So we have been going to physical therapy for the neck and helmet fittings bi-weekly so they can monitor growth and adjust as needed. Today we had to get helmet #2 on because my once tiny, little preemie is blowing up like a blimp and he grew out of that helmet already. Head is looking good, rounding out nicely. At this age they just don't want to rush taking it off too soon because he has yet to reach major growth and milestones. We are working on teaching him to roll, sit, and basically be off the back of his head so much. We don't want it getting flatter again!

In case some scared mom runs across this in her frantic googling of plagiocephaly, torticollis, helmets, and flat heads I will say this. ITS OK. Totally fine. I promise after a week maybe 2, you will all be perfectly fine. For us, it was immediately. Day 1 was fine. Night 1 was fine. We were lucky though, i'm sure some babies need adjusting. He never changed sleeping habits, couldn't care less about the helmet, and we got used to the goofy look of the thing. Everything is easy and no big deal. Except the stupid appointments. Those kinda suck. But don't cry, don't think you did something wrong, don't feel bad for your precious baby, don't feel like you'll miss out on his infancy. This takes nothing away from all that. Trust me, I worried about all this too. Snuggles, his happiness, his first summer….this. That. Everything. I worried about it all. I wrote about it on Facebook. I cried. I googled. Check out Facebook, theres a great group for torticollis and plagiocephaly support. This helped immensely. I no longer feared any of it! The people in that group are so awesome and you see cute pics of other babies rocking the helmets. Its common and its ok! Also, this blog helped me a lot, I read through it one night and felt way better. Check it out for more details on her journey, the awesome decorating job, and for pics of Ella, who is soooooo cute!  Here ------->Ella's Melon

Helmet babies are so cute and loveable, and you'll soon be beyond this phase of life. This too shall pass, mama.

Mombie Apocalypse

July 15, 2014

You wouldn't believe the post that I just deleted. It had some really good stuff and some not so good stuff, but I just clicked delete, and it was gone. It was like 2 miles long and my hands are aching. But I wasn't into that one. It seemed forced. So, here we are again. Lets see….

I love to write, I love to post on social media, I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I am a contributing writer on a Facebook group called "Mommy Doesn't Have a Filter Honey. "Go check it out, we are funny moms who hold nothing back! Don't forget to hit "like" and come visit the page on your own once in a while. Facebook is being a real bitch and we have nearly 10,000 followers, but each of our hilarious posts are only reaching 15-20 people. Thats a whole other blog post so lets move on before I get mad.

I have always wanted to blog. I have a journal typed out on a mommy forum that I stopped writing in about a year ago. But I've kind of been blogging on my personal Facebook page for about a year now. I am not sure the exact moment that my personal page became more like a blog but I post everything. I hold nothing back.  I mean, everything. If you don't hear from me for a day on my personal page, just expect i'm dead. Because I can't not. My phone is so damn smart. I just click and post. Pictures, status updates, clever little articles, snarky comments, "likes"…I am always posting something. Facebook has been my only real social outlet ever since my first son was born in 2011. I suppose here is where I should stop and back up a bit. If you don't know me, which is highly unlikely, since I expect about a handful of people who know me to be my only followers….but just in case someone new sneaks in, here's a bit about me.

I am Nikki, 33 years old. I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, and a boyfriend. Yea, I know, I have a boyfriend at age 33. Moving right along. My daughter is 10. She is from a previous relationship. My sons are 2.5 and 6 months old. They are both from this relationship. The one that is my boyfriend at age 33, remember? I made up the word MOMBIE for myself a while ago. We are sorta big into The Walking Dead, like everyone else and their grandma, right? I refer to myself as a Mombie on special days where I get less sleep than normal (so, like, in the negatives then???). My life is crazy. I still have to count my kids every time someone asks how many I have. Saying I have 3 kids is like speaking yeddish and the words get stuck on my tongue. It seems like a lie. But, lo and behold, when I count them I do have 3 kids. I rarely talk to adults except through social media. I don't remember what its like to leave the house alone. I barely shower, sometimes wonder if I even brushed my teeth that day. I eat too much junk, don't clean enough, can't remember what I did yesterday, consider a bad day to be one where I have to wear pants that snap, haven't painted or snipped my nails in longer than I should admit to, shouldn't be wearing flip flops, but can't be bothered to bend over and put real shoes on. If my hair is down for 2 minutes after the shower, it bothers me enough to go up into my messy bun. But not without a handful of it falling out because post partum hormones are a huge bitch. I don't wear any makeup, smell like milk, wipe my dirty hands on my pants, and would rather stay home all week than brave public places with my "eccentric" bunch of lovely people. I cry. A lot. But its rarely out of sadness. I cry when I'm proud, happy, excited, wistful, nostalgic, frustrated, and tired. But its very rarely sadness. I am not a sad person when I really think of it, though I let stress of day to day bring me down and keep me down at times. I don't know much about anything anymore. I used to be all smart and clever, but now I only know things about cartoons and kid's games. Or about Cloth diapers. I love cloth diapers. Well, I usually hate them but like buying them. I do too much laundry. 2 kids in diapers that need to be washed every other day is something short of stupid, but I told you i'm not smart anymore. I love to baby wear and if you don't know what that means, its just what it sounds like. I wear my kids in carriers. There's a whole, crazy community of baby wearing moms and dads out there. There are Facebook pages and swaps and tons of pretty carriers and obsessed mamas who have "stashes" that are worth thousands of dollars. I don't know anything about politics but I can go on forever about baby wearing and carriers. I love pinterest and photography. I like to pretend to like to cook but really hate it. Would rather have a pizza any day. I love thrift shopping and selling. I like to think about camping, but learned that with 3 kids, thats really not so fun, so we may revisit that in a few years. For right now, I have very few actual hobbies, because my son won't let me do anything but sit on the floor playing mind numbing toddler toys and reading the same damn stories over and over. And moms wonder why they feel stupid as a box of rocks after staying home for a year.

So other than just being a Mom, I now have a few other dream jobs I could add to the list. I dream of working in a morgue. I would love to take post mortem X-rays, but our local medical examiner removed herself from the hospital and now has her own huge facility and does her own X-rays. Poop. I drove past the new building like a crazy stalker the other day. It moved 3 minutes down the road from me and I just want in. I may look into that further down the road. But for now, i'll just slow drive by it when i'm in the neighborhood.  Another thing I would like to do is photography. Of living people. Or dead. Whatever needs photographs I guess! I just got my first DSLR fancy camera and have no fucking clue what to do with it, but its still fun to mess around with. Maybe i'll take my services to crime scene investigating or something. Or newborn or birth photography. Whatever. I also would like to get certified being a Doula. I want to help women have natural births, the way they want it. A way to kinda live vicariously since I had 3 c sections. These are all just dreams and we all know that most dreams of moms get pushed under a rug somewhere and never revisited again. But I like to just think of them once in a while to remember that I am a human being too. Some day.

I am no one special, but I am mom to 3 little people and while I don't know much, I know that this Stay at home Mom business is real. Its real work. I worked my ass off as a radiologic technologist for the past 5/6 years. But now i'm home 100% of the time. And Life as a stay at home mom is a whole other ball game. I have no identity any longer, but wouldn't trade it for anything. Except, maybe in 5 or 6 years when I will happily go back to work and find myself again. But, I know that one day looking back on this craziness that is my life, I will not regret staying home and living every waking minute of my life for these kids. Thats just who I am. I am Mombie. Welcome to the Mombie Apocalypse. Hold on tight. Don't go out after dark. And go straight for the brain.