Dear Ella

Today's blog has no curse words, no witty comments or laments about life. I am feeling wistful and nostalgic today, so would like to write a letter to my "Ella Bella Stinkaroo". :)

July 21, 2014

Dear Ella,

"Do you wanna build a snooooowwww mannnnn???"

Kidding!

I cry a little bit every time you walk away to do something. You know I am crazy, but I love you so much that each time you go somewhere without me, it just reminds me that you are growing up and away so fast. I drop you off for girl scout camp and drive away as my eyes are wet because you didn't look back and wave at me as you ran off with your friends. I'm not upset, i'm just wistful.

Same as I was the day I brought you to preschool for the first time. I was so nervous. You had never been to daycare or around other kids. I was sure you would grasp my leg and cry for me to stay and i'd have to take you back home. Or leave as I cried uncontrollably because I felt so sad. But no, you said "bye mommy!" and went to play with the kids. I was so proud. Then I walked away crying uncontrollably because you didn't need me anymore.

This is life with children. We hope you transition into life's stages without us and grow to be strong and independent, yet feel aching that almost cripples us when you do just that. We can't wait for you to walk and talk and run and start your firsts…Then you do it all and more and we can't stand that you are growing up so fast! Soon you leave us and we know we have to let you go. All good parents do. But we are left to wonder why it has to happen so fast!

I cry every single time you make a goal at soccer. Good thing for my big sunglasses! Its this feeling of pride. You kick it in and look at me RIGHT AWAY. You want to see me smile and be happy for you. You are still a little girl saying "mommy! look at me!!" as you kick the ball. I know how happy you are and the pride I feel could just make my head explode right off. And so I cry a little. I know its nuts and most moms of a 10 year old probably do not.

But its fine, emotions are ok with me. I hope for you to always express yours to me.
Tears of pride for your kids have got the be THE happiest tears possible. Don't worry, there will be plenty more!

You will be in 5th grade this year. And I will STILL cry as you walk away. I know the struggles have probably begun, you may feel anxious or excited. Cliques are starting, kids can be cruel, life isn't so innocent for you anymore. I am here. ALWAYS. I cry knowing I am sending you out into this world unprepared, but I am here right next to you. Just a little further away every year. I need to let you out and discover things for yourself. Even if its horrible valley girl phrases and hormonal outbursts or crazy clothing styles. I will still hold on to these memories because they will pass quickly as well.

Thank you for letting me still hug you and smell your hair a little bit at night. Thank you for loving me even though you see flaws and you know when I need your help. I need you just as much as you need me.
Time changes, you will change, but my love will not change. Life will be complicated and you won't understand anything at times. I just want to be here when you need me to.

And once in a while, I am sorry, but the urge to embarrass you will be stronger than my ability to hold back. This is one of the joys of motherhood. I will try to find a good therapist for you. And sometimes when I'm crying, it is because I was laughing so hard I was brought to tears. One day you will understand this too, because I am equipping you with a kick ass sense of humor!

Love always,
Mom